Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
