Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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