god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
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