i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
