mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
