had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
