just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
