Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
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