Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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