i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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