I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
