How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
