Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
