Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
