she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
