cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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