Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
