Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
He passed out mid-signature
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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