you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
