I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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