How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
