did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
