You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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