Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
