drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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