Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
