No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
