who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
