Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
