Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
