cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
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Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
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You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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