On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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