One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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