Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Randomize
