he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
3 2 1 whiskey
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
