having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
