mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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