God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
