No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
