Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
