it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i wish my penis had a tongue
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
