you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
