In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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