does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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