Cold hands, warm shart.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
