Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?