she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
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Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
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I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.