I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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