the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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