Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Randomize
