I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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