The maid of honor just puked.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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