apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
