Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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