Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
