I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
